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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

5 Terrifying Insects Bound to Ruin Your Day Forever

There are a lot of terrible things in this world. Poverty, terrorism, Panic! At the Disco, but when you look at it from a personal point of view, what really makes your hair curl and your teeth chatter incessantly? It's insects, right? Of course it is. For eons, man has waged war against these adamant arthropods, but we're hopelessly outnumbered. two billion to one. We are already as good as dead. So you have to ask yourself, which are gonna be the ones that will end my short time on this earth? The most poisonous ones? The fastest ones? How about the devil ones:
#5
Name: Mole Cricket

Binomial Name: Gryllotalpa brachyptera

Nickname: Hug meeee.....HUUUUUUUG MEEEE

Let's break this creature down (unfortunately, not literally), into its two core namesakes. Moles are adorable little mammals who burrow into the ground. They're also blind, which makes for some hilarious mental images.
"  This don't feel like a pumpkin patch"
Then there's crickets. Insects sure, but they're harmless enough, eco-warfare aside. Plus, they have an affinity for singing, and often don smart suits and teeny umbrellas.
And yet, these two creatures should be kept as far apart from each other as possible, lest you birth terror incarnate, otherwise known as the Mole cricket. Mole crickets are an omnivorous cricket sub-specie, with shovel-like forelimbs for burrowing into dirt and presumably, skulls. They can be found all over the world, mostly in East Asia, parts of Australia, and in North America. These insects are often no longer than 5 centimeters, but what they lack in size, they make up for with the ability to take flight . Oh yes, they can fly. And swim. Meaning they will stop at nothing, to find you, and dig you your own grave. Like normal crickets, they're only considered minor pests, and not a threat to your physical being, but with their wildly dissonant arms and versatility against all terrain, this is one insect that can stay the fuck away from me. Oh wait, they can't.

#4


Name: Weta

Binomial Name: About 70 of them

Nickname: I-a Weta My Pants-a

  



What did we do to deserve these horrible blights on mankind? Weta, is the collective term to describe 70 or so species of unmitigated horror. They are likened to crickets, but are much bigger. In fact, there are 11 species of Giant Weta, which is like putting more poison on the cake of much poison. When I say giant, I say about 10 centimeters which is 10 centimeters longer than any insect needs to be. Another notable feature of the weta species are the large, ant-like mandibles which they use to slice their prospective foes in twain. Their entire species are localized entirely within New Zealand, but judging by their size, they can easily pass off as vacationing humans, so keep a watchful eye on the person sitting next to you on a plane.
The Poor Knights Giant Weta, being a douche by generally existing 
Tree weta, learning how to climb into your bed to feast on your skin




 
The Meta-Weta, searching for its natural prey: airplanes
#3

Name: Emperor Scorpion

Binomial Name: Pandinus imperator

Nickname: Hank Scorpion (or: Its Eating Me Alive)



I could easily populate this list with giant bugs, but it would take all day. Instead I compromised and chose the scariest of the large bugs, the Emperor Scorpion. If you ever had one of these crawl up your thigh, or you watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids, you'll know how terrifying these brutal arachnids are. Well you can imagine my trepidation, when I discovered one of the largest scorpion species of all. The adults of this particular species can grow to be 20 centimeters in length. If you need a good frame of reference, then look at your keyboard. Yeah, Its almost half that. Now ironically enough, despite achieving 'Emperor' status, these creatures are usually timid and will spend much of the day burrowing in its hidey-hole. The question is, what are they doing in there? 
Makin' sweet scorpion love, by the looks of it




A sting from its metasoma will most likely cause horrible pain, but not death. Strangely enough, this scorpion is the most popular in the scorpion trade as household pets and this website will help you in taking care of one if you're suicidal enough to do so, but don't come to me when its staked a 90% claim on your household and starts holding scorpio-orgies that last into the early morning. Seriously, don't come to me. Okay, maybe you can a little.

#2





Name: Rhinoceros Cockroach

Binomial Name: Macropanesthia Rhinoceros
Nickname: The Household Pest to end All Household Pests



Cockroaches suck. They are the suckiest of all the sucks. They are an abomination and deserve to be eradicated entirely, and anyone who says otherwise is a cockroach, or some sort of distant relative. Common household cockroaches are bad enough. They smell, are ridden with bacteria, are nearly invincible, and to cap it all off they're huge and can fly. I hate to say it, but I'll have to apply those same criteria to the Rhinoceros Cockroach. Aptly named for its whopping size (8 centimeters) and mass (35 grams), it is the bane of all housewives and basically anyone who doesn't have a gun. They are native to Australia, the Island of Death as its known to foreigners, so if you ever needed a reason not to visit here, its not the sweltering heat, or our shoddy, overrated beer, but the mammoth cockroaches. Also our beer.

I really don't get it, this tastes like stupid
 #1

Name: The Atlas Moth

Binomial Name: Attacus Atlas

Nickname: Herald of Our Indeterminate End






  
Moths aren't exactly scary, are they? They don't bite or anything, they just dance on the air harmlessly, often to the vibrant glow of an arbitrary street lamp that illuminates a dark November night. The Atlas Moth does not dance upon the air. It predominates over the oxygen around it, using the frantic movement of terrified oxygen molecules to propel itself forward like an angry submarine. The Chaos Theory suggests the smallest beat of a butterflies wings can have disproportionately catastrophic ramifications in the future. If that is the case, then a beat from the Atlas Moth's wings will reverse time to an age where man was but a fledgling creature, once bound for great things...

However, the Atlas Moth knows no boundaries. It will fly across galactic plains effortlessly in a bid to reach the farthest reaches of the universe. It casts a watchful eye over the denizens of Earth, learning our behaviors, our motivations. Its patience and knowledge is boundless. It is the arrow that pierces through the night. Foreign cultures speak of a deathly presence that bodes uncertain times. The Atlas Moth is waiting. The last of the enlightened humans speak of a terror so unfathomable, the highest order of the political bodies that sew the furrows of our global agenda are tremoring in uncertainty. It will find you, without hesitation. We cannot stop it.

The Atlas Moth does not see. It learns. It does not hear. It knows. It fears nothing. It is nothing, and everything. It encompasses all beyond our peripheries. It does not rest, for it is limitless energy. It is a herald of our untimely end. It is enigmatic, but it is everything we've ever known. It is incomprehensible. It is understanding. It is our undoing... or it could be our savior. It is the Atlas Moth. Attacus Atlas, be praised.
Bind us to the everlasting faith
Corrupt our souls, and give us over to the eternal star

Attacus Atlas, I am your vessel
- Bring_Napkins waAttacus Atlas, be praised.

50 comments:

  1. Lmfaooo at Panic at the Disco, they are certainly more terrible then any insect here but that moth is scary as fuck!

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  2. I actually own a dried atlas moth in a display case. They are fricken cool.

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  3. Had to laugh at the mole cricket.

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  4. I have checked my room thoroughly for insects now. I won't be able to sleep anymore without checking under my sheets every 5 minutes.... :/

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  5. Ruin my day forever? good luck

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  6. Good thing I'm not planning on sleeping anytime soon.

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  7. That mole cricket is freakin nasty.

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  8. Ha, awesome, that moth is sweet.

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  9. some scary creatures in here, I think i'll leave my window closed all day now

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  10. I don't know if its the same kind or not, but I've encountered a moth of similar size. I was standing out on the porch with a friend, smoking and talking and this fuckhuge moth flew up and attacked my face (well, it was probably trying to get to the porch light behind me). I proceeded to scream like a bitch and run in the house.

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  11. haha terrifyingly informative post.

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  12. I am a complete pussy when it comes to insects so i won't be sleeping tonight thanks lol

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  13. Good post idea, interesting stuff

    The Meta-Weta, searching for its natural prey: airplanes

    laughed my ass off

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  14. Wow I won't be able to sleep tonight, the mole cricket was really damn creepy but the Emperor Scorpion took the cake for me.

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  15. dude yesterday I had a fight with the toughest moth I had ever seen, I swear I killed it off 2 times and it kept coming at me...

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  16. That emperor scorpion looks kick ass.

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  17. Oh my god! The Atlas Moth is disgusting. I remember these moths that would live on football stadium lights. They grew to giant sizes such as this. They used to terrify me as a child.

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  18. the first one would scared the shit out of me if i saw it in my room. Id probably move out if i did

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  19. Thanks for ruining my night. Haha, joking bro. Cool post.

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  20. Holy shit man thats some weird crap

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  21. I actually saw a mole cricket the other day and didnt know what the fuck it was, only what it looked like. When i saw this i saw like :O
    it came out of the ground where i was washing my dog, i hosed him down but no effect. lulz

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  22. Wow , my girlfriend collects butterflies . She saw this atlas one and said " O-ooo "

    Hide your butterflies my girlfriend is on the way to find it .

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  23. Holy Hell, that moth is a spawn of satan. Nice blog by the way followed.

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  24. I'm going to get nightmares from these pictures.

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  25. I really hate creepy crawlers they are jut nasty and some are bloody god awful if you ever encounter them, disease ridden parasites.

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  26. really weird stuff man, will follow along ;)

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  27. These pics are actually really cool, and i'd like to see that scorpion in person, i bet he would be scared of me ^^

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  28. yay .. no sleep for me for like two years now... yay...

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  29. I fucking hate you Bring_Napkins... now I feel things crawling on me. Thanks dick.




    :P

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  30. mole cricket....
    i have these giant spider cricket things that jump so high all around my house, not cool

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  31. God these are creepy.
    My friend has an emperor scorpion and it had babies and they rode on its back just like in that picture.
    Good job grossing people out!

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  32. Oh my, I wouldn't one of these crawling up my leg in my sleep! thanks for sharing!

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  33. You should do a blog about facehuggers, even tho they are fictional!

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  34. Great post, ewwww bugs.

    I could barely keep reading, but it was well written and informative. Followed.

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  35. I think I would freak out if I ever seen the Atlas Moth. Bloody thing is enormous!

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  36. As creeped out as I've become from this post, I love the descriptions that you have for each of these insects.

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  37. that weta thing is distgusting!!

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  38. Blaaah kill with fire. Blaaaaah. No. I know for a fact wetas exist in my country. Now I need to kill them all without DOC finding out..

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  39. Ugh, my biggest irrational fear of all my irrational fears. I hate insects so much. Why must they exist! D;

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