Friday, February 18, 2011

A Gift To The Everyone

I just want to thank everyone, for helping me reach 100 followers! To celebrate this prestigious milestone, I offer you this token of my gratitude: a treasure trove of miscellaneous crap!



 Images of Humour:

 Video Links:

Thanks everyone!

- Bring_Napkins would like to invite you to celebrate inside my pants. The- that is to say the pants part- the party in my pants.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

5 Terrifying Insects Bound to Ruin Your Day Forever

There are a lot of terrible things in this world. Poverty, terrorism, Panic! At the Disco, but when you look at it from a personal point of view, what really makes your hair curl and your teeth chatter incessantly? It's insects, right? Of course it is. For eons, man has waged war against these adamant arthropods, but we're hopelessly outnumbered. two billion to one. We are already as good as dead. So you have to ask yourself, which are gonna be the ones that will end my short time on this earth? The most poisonous ones? The fastest ones? How about the devil ones:
Name: Mole Cricket

Binomial Name: Gryllotalpa brachyptera

Nickname: Hug meeee.....HUUUUUUUG MEEEE

Let's break this creature down (unfortunately, not literally), into its two core namesakes. Moles are adorable little mammals who burrow into the ground. They're also blind, which makes for some hilarious mental images.
"  This don't feel like a pumpkin patch"
Then there's crickets. Insects sure, but they're harmless enough, eco-warfare aside. Plus, they have an affinity for singing, and often don smart suits and teeny umbrellas.
And yet, these two creatures should be kept as far apart from each other as possible, lest you birth terror incarnate, otherwise known as the Mole cricket. Mole crickets are an omnivorous cricket sub-specie, with shovel-like forelimbs for burrowing into dirt and presumably, skulls. They can be found all over the world, mostly in East Asia, parts of Australia, and in North America. These insects are often no longer than 5 centimeters, but what they lack in size, they make up for with the ability to take flight . Oh yes, they can fly. And swim. Meaning they will stop at nothing, to find you, and dig you your own grave. Like normal crickets, they're only considered minor pests, and not a threat to your physical being, but with their wildly dissonant arms and versatility against all terrain, this is one insect that can stay the fuck away from me. Oh wait, they can't.


Name: Weta

Binomial Name: About 70 of them

Nickname: I-a Weta My Pants-a


What did we do to deserve these horrible blights on mankind? Weta, is the collective term to describe 70 or so species of unmitigated horror. They are likened to crickets, but are much bigger. In fact, there are 11 species of Giant Weta, which is like putting more poison on the cake of much poison. When I say giant, I say about 10 centimeters which is 10 centimeters longer than any insect needs to be. Another notable feature of the weta species are the large, ant-like mandibles which they use to slice their prospective foes in twain. Their entire species are localized entirely within New Zealand, but judging by their size, they can easily pass off as vacationing humans, so keep a watchful eye on the person sitting next to you on a plane.
The Poor Knights Giant Weta, being a douche by generally existing 
Tree weta, learning how to climb into your bed to feast on your skin

The Meta-Weta, searching for its natural prey: airplanes

Name: Emperor Scorpion

Binomial Name: Pandinus imperator

Nickname: Hank Scorpion (or: Its Eating Me Alive)

I could easily populate this list with giant bugs, but it would take all day. Instead I compromised and chose the scariest of the large bugs, the Emperor Scorpion. If you ever had one of these crawl up your thigh, or you watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids, you'll know how terrifying these brutal arachnids are. Well you can imagine my trepidation, when I discovered one of the largest scorpion species of all. The adults of this particular species can grow to be 20 centimeters in length. If you need a good frame of reference, then look at your keyboard. Yeah, Its almost half that. Now ironically enough, despite achieving 'Emperor' status, these creatures are usually timid and will spend much of the day burrowing in its hidey-hole. The question is, what are they doing in there? 
Makin' sweet scorpion love, by the looks of it

A sting from its metasoma will most likely cause horrible pain, but not death. Strangely enough, this scorpion is the most popular in the scorpion trade as household pets and this website will help you in taking care of one if you're suicidal enough to do so, but don't come to me when its staked a 90% claim on your household and starts holding scorpio-orgies that last into the early morning. Seriously, don't come to me. Okay, maybe you can a little.


Name: Rhinoceros Cockroach

Binomial Name: Macropanesthia Rhinoceros
Nickname: The Household Pest to end All Household Pests

Cockroaches suck. They are the suckiest of all the sucks. They are an abomination and deserve to be eradicated entirely, and anyone who says otherwise is a cockroach, or some sort of distant relative. Common household cockroaches are bad enough. They smell, are ridden with bacteria, are nearly invincible, and to cap it all off they're huge and can fly. I hate to say it, but I'll have to apply those same criteria to the Rhinoceros Cockroach. Aptly named for its whopping size (8 centimeters) and mass (35 grams), it is the bane of all housewives and basically anyone who doesn't have a gun. They are native to Australia, the Island of Death as its known to foreigners, so if you ever needed a reason not to visit here, its not the sweltering heat, or our shoddy, overrated beer, but the mammoth cockroaches. Also our beer.

I really don't get it, this tastes like stupid

Name: The Atlas Moth

Binomial Name: Attacus Atlas

Nickname: Herald of Our Indeterminate End

Moths aren't exactly scary, are they? They don't bite or anything, they just dance on the air harmlessly, often to the vibrant glow of an arbitrary street lamp that illuminates a dark November night. The Atlas Moth does not dance upon the air. It predominates over the oxygen around it, using the frantic movement of terrified oxygen molecules to propel itself forward like an angry submarine. The Chaos Theory suggests the smallest beat of a butterflies wings can have disproportionately catastrophic ramifications in the future. If that is the case, then a beat from the Atlas Moth's wings will reverse time to an age where man was but a fledgling creature, once bound for great things...

However, the Atlas Moth knows no boundaries. It will fly across galactic plains effortlessly in a bid to reach the farthest reaches of the universe. It casts a watchful eye over the denizens of Earth, learning our behaviors, our motivations. Its patience and knowledge is boundless. It is the arrow that pierces through the night. Foreign cultures speak of a deathly presence that bodes uncertain times. The Atlas Moth is waiting. The last of the enlightened humans speak of a terror so unfathomable, the highest order of the political bodies that sew the furrows of our global agenda are tremoring in uncertainty. It will find you, without hesitation. We cannot stop it.

The Atlas Moth does not see. It learns. It does not hear. It knows. It fears nothing. It is nothing, and everything. It encompasses all beyond our peripheries. It does not rest, for it is limitless energy. It is a herald of our untimely end. It is enigmatic, but it is everything we've ever known. It is incomprehensible. It is understanding. It is our undoing... or it could be our savior. It is the Atlas Moth. Attacus Atlas, be praised.
Bind us to the everlasting faith
Corrupt our souls, and give us over to the eternal star

Attacus Atlas, I am your vessel
- Bring_Napkins waAttacus Atlas, be praised.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Saving Your Blog from Apparent Death

A hearty hello to my fellow followers. I've seen multiple posts about this all day so I'm going to follow suit and spread the word so that more people can see it, if you haven't already. Apparently you must abide by certain AdSense policies, one of which is posting your own Privacy Policy that discloses information about cookies and other things. It is imperative, to add a privacy policy to your blog if you have not done so already. Not doing so, could put your blog in serious risk of being banned (Or yelled at, but the other thing is much worse).

If you want to know how you would go about creating such a policy, you can simply:

1. Open my Privacy Policy
2. Copy and paste it into somewhere (Notepad, or WordPad for the truly daring)
3. Remove my website URL and replace it with your one
4. Create a new post on your blog and paste it all in
5. Go to the post options at the bottom of the post window
6. Set the date and time to the date before your first post
 [Edit: I got a tip from a helpful follower Daan that putting the post date and time to 01-01-01/0:00 and disabling comments is the right way to do it.]

7. Submit the post.
8. Navigate to your Privacy Policy and copy the URL

You can then add a gadget, the "HTML/Javascript" gadget to be precise, and create a link to your privacy policy. If you're unsure how to create the link, simply follow this:
<a href="http://URL">TEXT</a>
Just paste the Privacy Policy URL into the URL space, and type some text where it says TEXT, something like Click Here or whatever.

That's all there is to it. If you do it right, you may have saved your blog from utter destruction. If you're wondering whether this is legit, this should answer some questions. I hope this informed someone who may have been confused by the sudden surge in these types of posts lately. If this is all  unnecessary or only applicable to people in the US or something, well dammit, but its better to be safe than sorry, am I right? Or am I correct? Ah, I knew you'd pick the right one. Take it easy guys, a new post with actual crap will be posted later on.

- Now that Bring_Napkin's has saved your blog, how about buying me a motorcycle or hiring me a ninja? I need them for...some...undisclosed reason.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Pictures of Laugh. LAUGH.

Apologies for the lack of post content in this one, but I'm busy with filling out applications for prospective job interviews and other things that normal people do. In the meantime, why not amuse yourself with these humorous images, bound to provide seconds of fleeting entertainment?

Also, please vote in the poll simply located a few pixels to the right of this post. No not th- yeah, yeah there.

- Bring_Napkin's thinks that a picture should be worth a thousand dollars instead. Then I'd have $5000

Sunday, February 13, 2011


I'm not sure how many of you guys have heard of this homebrewed concoction, but one intrepid fellow thought of the brilliant idea to infuse the bold flavour of Skittles into several flasks of Vodka. Sound's strange, admittedly, but I was instantly hooked when I saw the marvellous single rainbow of colours. It also got me thinking as to how the Sour Skittles would taste like. Anyway, here's a picture of the recipe. I invite you all to try and replicate it, as I sure as hell will, once I find where to get some of those flasks.

Note: This is not my recipe. I just found it somewhere on the internet. Credit goes to the man; IheartMonster or something.

How to make Skittles Vodka

What You'll need:

  • One 1.75 liter bottle of Vodka (Used here is Stoli; You don't need the most expensive, but avoid the cheap ones)
  • Five 8.5 ounce flasks or bottles
  • One 1 pound bag of skittles (or 2)
  • Five empty plastic water bottles
  • A funnel
  • Bowls for seperating the Skittles
  • A measuring cup
  • Coffee filters or paper towels
You'll also want to cover your workspace with newspaper or freezer paper, as the infusion process tends to get messy. If you're making a different sized batch, this is the formula you need to know: Used here was 60 skittles to 6 ounces of vodka, which yields about 8 ounces of infused vodka. If you want to make 1.5 times that, or 3 times that, just multiply your amounts.

Step 1: Seperate the colours
Simply seperate the flavours. You will need 60 of each.

Step 2: Setting up your Infusion Bottles
Fill your water bottles with 6 ounces of vodka each. It doesn't need to be exact, as you can always even it out later by pouring in a bit more vodka to the ones that end up with less.

Step 3: Add the Skittles
Pour the Skittles of one flavour into one Infusion bottle, then pour the next flavour of skittles into the infusion bottle, and so on until all five bottles have a pile of Skittles soaking in the Vodka.

You could use a funnel, rather than use your fingers, but fingers are suggested, as its faster and easier to wash the flavour off of them then it would to constantly be washing the funnel.

Step 4: Shake it like a picture produced from a Polaroid camera
Now that your infusion bottles all have Skittles wasting away at the bottom, give each bottle a vigorous shake. The more you shake, the better. Once the coloured coating off the Skittles is removed, all that will be left the white insides.

After shaking them, set them aside for a few hours. It's a good idea to shake them again, especially if you plan on making a bigger batch. The skittles in the above photograph dissolved overnight. Once they're all dissolved, you may notice a lot of white crap floating around at the top. Don't worry. this will be taken care of in Step 6.

Step 5: Strain

 There are a number of ways to strain this stuff to get all the white crap out. Some people prefer paper towels, but coffee filters were used in this particular method, which worked just as well. A funnel was placed inside a measuring cup.

Then, four coffee filters were placed into the funnel. It's hard to say exactly how many you would need since coffee filters differ. It should be noted though, that orange and green needed more filtration than the others. This was discovered when there was still remaining residue in those two flavours, despite the entire process being completed. It's no problem though, just restrain them once more through the coffee filter, and that should be sufficient. Moral of this story is, if you didn't strain it thoroughly enough, the good news is: you can always rectify your mistake.

Pour one of the infusions into your strainer setup. A good way to do this is to pour about a quarter in, then wait for some of it to soak through, then pour another quarter in, until you are done. If the strainer clogs with the white gunk, use a spoon to scrape it out of the way. In the end, you should have about 8 ounces of Skittle infused vodka. Dump the funnel and coffee filters into one of the bowls used earlier for countin out Skittles, to catch the drips as you painstakingly carry it to the sink. Wash everything out for re-using, except of course for the coffee filters. But be sure to rinse the filters out so the sugar won't attract any ants. Unless you live in the snow, in which case, where do you buy flasks in the snow?

Then take the liquid from the measuring cup and pour it into a flask via your now-clean funnel. You can see here that the green is a little thick, when it shouldn't have been. Hence, why it required refiltering. Rinse and repeat for each flavour.

Step 6: Chill & Serve
Now that you've got 5 or so flasks or bottles of Skittles-infused Vodka:

Stick them in the freezer for several hours, or overnight if you can.

 ...and then they're ready to serve!

Enjoy! Drink responsibly.
Now get cookin'! (Or drainin')
- Bring_Napkins cordially invites you to taste the rainbow, motherfucker.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Thanks for Coming!


Well that you know what kind of person I am, I'd like to extend a warm welcome to the pants party, that is
I'm not exactly sure what you'll expect to find in this blog yet, but I assure you, it'll be as eclectic and edifying as a stroll around the public library, sans the homeless people. I suppose the first thing I should do is introduce myself. I call myself Bring_Napkins. Coming up with that handle wasn't one of my most awe-inspiring moments but rest assured, its the name I was born to inherit. Because I tend to steal napkins. Hatin' already? Well damn. Anyway to make sure you find this website an experience you'll never forget (until you leave the site), I'll start off with some perfectly useless trivia so you can fool your friends into thinking you're a walking encyclopedia of arbitrary facts, as is the dream of many.

Perfectly Useless Information
Part 1 of What I'm Sure Will Be Many
  • Sharon Stone has a black belt in Karate
  • Monaco's national orchestra is bigger than its army.
  • The screwdriver was invented before the screw.
  • Sean Connery is an anagram for 'Screen Annoy'
  • 85% of all life on Earth is plankton.
  • A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European weasel.
  • Women invent things. Namely; the fire escape, the laser printer, condensed milk, cotton gin and the all important rotary engine.
  • Almost is the longest word in the english language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
  • Mick Jagger chose Lord Patrick Lichfield as his best man. [Told you this site would be good]
  • Hungry? Don't read the Bible then, as it mentions 49 different kinds of food.
  • If you slowly pour a handful of salt into a totally full glass of water, it will not overflow, but instead will be drained of its essence.
Wasn't that a great way to start the blog, eh? Y- It was okay? I'm taking it relatively easy on this post because I'd prefer to show my true colours when you're hooked deeper into reading my fascinating input on our earthly cultures. Until then, please enjoy this humourous image which I'm sure you will find utterly humorous and not at all stupid.


- I use this space here to write witty, insightful lines just like this one.

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