Improvident Lackwit: It feels like they're on me

There are a lot of terrible things in this world. Poverty, terrorism, Panic! At the Disco, but when you look at it from a personal point of view, what really makes your hair curl and your teeth chatter incessantly? It's insects, right? Of course it is. For eons, man has waged war against these adamant arthropods, but we're hopelessly outnumbered. two billion to one. We are already as good as dead. So you have to ask yourself, which are gonna be the ones that will end my short time on this earth? The most poisonous ones? The fastest ones? How about the devil ones:
#5

Name: Mole Cricket

Binomial Name: Gryllotalpa brachyptera

Nickname: Hug meeee.....HUUUUUUUG MEEEE

Let's break this creature down (unfortunately, not literally), into its two core namesakes. Moles are adorable little mammals who burrow into the ground. They're also blind, which makes for some hilarious mental images.

" This don't feel like a pumpkin patch"

Then there's crickets. Insects sure, but they're harmless enough, eco-warfare aside. Plus, they have an affinity for singing, and often don smart suits and teeny umbrellas.

And yet, these two creatures should be kept as far apart from each other as possible, lest you birth terror incarnate, otherwise known as the Mole cricket. Mole crickets are an omnivorous cricket sub-specie, with shovel-like forelimbs for burrowing into dirt and presumably, skulls. They can be found all over the world, mostly in East Asia, parts of Australia, and in North America. These insects are often no longer than 5 centimeters, but what they lack in size, they make up for with the ability to take flight . Oh yes, they can fly. And swim. Meaning they will stop at nothing, to find you, and dig you your own grave. Like normal crickets, they're only considered minor pests, and not a threat to your physical being, but with their wildly dissonant arms and versatility against all terrain, this is one insect that can stay the fuck away from me. Oh wait, they can't.

Name: Weta

Binomial Name: About 70 of them

Nickname: I-a Weta My Pants-a

What did we do to deserve these horrible blights on mankind? Weta, is the collective term to describe 70 or so species of unmitigated horror. They are likened to crickets, but are much bigger. In fact, there are 11 species of Giant Weta, which is like putting more poison on the cake of much poison. When I say giant, I say about 10 centimeters which is 10 centimeters longer than any insect needs to be. Another notable feature of the weta species are the large, ant-like mandibles which they use to slice their prospective foes in twain. Their entire species are localized entirely within New Zealand, but judging by their size, they can easily pass off as vacationing humans, so keep a watchful eye on the person sitting next to you on a plane.


The Poor Knights Giant Weta, being a douche by generally existing


Tree weta, learning how to climb into your bed to feast on your skin


The Meta-Weta, searching for its natural prey: airplanes

Name: Emperor Scorpion

Binomial Name: Pandinus imperator

Nickname: Hank Scorpion (or: Its Eating Me Alive)

I could easily populate this list with giant bugs, but it would take all day. Instead I compromised and chose the scariest of the large bugs, the Emperor Scorpion. If you ever had one of these crawl up your thigh, or you watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids, you'll know how terrifying these brutal arachnids are. Well you can imagine my trepidation, when I discovered one of the largest scorpion species of all. The adults of this particular species can grow to be 20 centimeters in length. If you need a good frame of reference, then look at your keyboard. Yeah, Its almost half that. Now ironically enough, despite achieving 'Emperor' status, these creatures are usually timid and will spend much of the day burrowing in its hidey-hole. The question is, what are they doing in there?


Makin' sweet scorpion love, by the looks of it

A sting from its metasoma will most likely cause horrible pain, but not death. Strangely enough, this scorpion is the most popular in the scorpion trade as household pets and this website will help you in taking care of one if you're suicidal enough to do so, but don't come to me when its staked a 90% claim on your household and starts holding scorpio-orgies that last into the early morning. Seriously, don't come to me. Okay, maybe you can a little.

#2

Name: Rhinoceros Cockroach

Binomial Name: Macropanesthia Rhinoceros

Nickname: The Household Pest to end All Household Pests

Cockroaches suck. They are the suckiest of all the sucks. They are an abomination and deserve to be eradicated entirely, and anyone who says otherwise is a cockroach, or some sort of distant relative. Common household cockroaches are bad enough. They smell, are ridden with bacteria, are nearly invincible, and to cap it all off they're huge and can fly. I hate to say it, but I'll have to apply those same criteria to the Rhinoceros Cockroach. Aptly named for its whopping size (8 centimeters) and mass (35 grams), it is the bane of all housewives and basically anyone who doesn't have a gun. They are native to Australia, the Island of Death as its known to foreigners, so if you ever needed a reason not to visit here, its not the sweltering heat, or our shoddy, overrated beer, but the mammoth cockroaches. Also our beer.

I really don't get it, this tastes like stupid

Name: The Atlas Moth

Binomial Name: Attacus Atlas

Nickname: Herald of Our Indeterminate End

Moths aren't exactly scary, are they? They don't bite or anything, they just dance on the air harmlessly, often to the vibrant glow of an arbitrary street lamp that illuminates a dark November night. The Atlas Moth does not dance upon the air. It predominates over the oxygen around it, using the frantic movement of terrified oxygen molecules to propel itself forward like an angry submarine. The Chaos Theory suggests the smallest beat of a butterflies wings can have disproportionately catastrophic ramifications in the future. If that is the case, then a beat from the Atlas Moth's wings will reverse time to an age where man was but a fledgling creature, once bound for great things...

However, the Atlas Moth knows no boundaries. It will fly across galactic plains effortlessly in a bid to reach the farthest reaches of the universe. It casts a watchful eye over the denizens of Earth, learning our behaviors, our motivations. Its patience and knowledge is boundless. It is the arrow that pierces through the night. Foreign cultures speak of a deathly presence that bodes uncertain times. The Atlas Moth is waiting. The last of the enlightened humans speak of a terror so unfathomable, the highest order of the political bodies that sew the furrows of our global agenda are tremoring in uncertainty. It will find you, without hesitation. We cannot stop it.

The Atlas Moth does not see. It learns. It does not hear. It knows. It fears nothing. It is nothing, and everything. It encompasses all beyond our peripheries. It does not rest, for it is limitless energy. It is a herald of our untimely end. It is enigmatic, but it is everything we've ever known. It is incomprehensible. It is understanding. It is our undoing... or it could be our savior. It is the Atlas Moth. Attacus Atlas, be praised.